S2Ep18|| from drinking buddies in 2014 to sober friends now
Cait sits down with sober friend Cole Garrett to discuss thoughts on labels, family support and tools for your sober toolkit.
Think of who you were in 2014. Cait was new to L.A., a year out of high school and a mess! Cait and her guest met during that mess and have stayed friends ever since. Cole Garrett is a comedian and Producer for Don’t Tell Comedy events all over the US and a sober friend. It’s really crazy the things they've individually been through since their party days… and it’s beautiful where they both are now.
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Cait: [00:00:00] Welcome to the clear-headed podcast. I'm Cait Madry your host and I'm so happy you're here. This is the podcast that drops in on people's moments of clarity surrounding their sobriety super LA of me but I like to start every episode with a deep breath in. So if you're driving to work or you're on your way to run some errands, or maybe you're in bed, getting ready to wind down, let's just start with a deep breath.
And out. Okay. Let's get clear headed.Cait [00:00:38] Okay. I want you to think of who you were in 2014. I know ew. I was new to L.A., a year out of high school and a mess. My guest today and I met during that mess and have stayed friends since. Cole Garrett is a comedian and producer for Don't Tell Comedy Events All over the U.S.. He's also a sober friend. If you haven't noticed by now, this is not an under 30 minute episode. There were too many good jokes, good stories and great anecdotes that I could not keep this under a half hour. It's really crazy the things we've individually been through since our party days, and it's beautiful that we both are where we are now. Like so many other people we've talked to on the show. Cole's moment of clarity started with the build.
Cole [00:01:35] I was like a functioning addict. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, I don't think I ever hit that rock bottom where I was like, this is the moment I'm sitting in bed crying. I was like a fun drug addict. You know, I'd go out and have fun, and then I would I think I would regret it the next day. But it was like those moments. Although when you're on drugs or you're you're boozed up and you feel like, oh, you know, I was blacked out or whatever. I don't remember. You do have those. Those are memories. Yeah. And they do stick with you. And that's kind of like what I was realizing. I'm like, these are adding up, and I don't feel good. And each time it would happen, on top of that, it would feel worse and worse. And like, obviously there were like actual big moments. Yeah, there were like moments that I can, like, think of now where I'm like, Oh, wow. Like, I was really, really slipping, like, one time in particular. Like, I was trying to get a job at this restaurant, and I really wanted this restaurant job, like, really, really badly. I kept going back over and over and over just to get an interview, and I finally got the job and I was so stoked. And we were about to go into like this very, very intense three day workshop where we had to learn the menu. And the night before I stayed up all night and I was supposed to be at this restaurant at like 7 a.m. and I literally like was looking at my phone like, Oh, it's 630 in the morning and I have not slept. And I remember just like going to the, to the actual like workshop and like showing up and like not knowing what I'm going to say. I'm just, like, shaking. I've, like, been, you know, up all night partying.
Cait [00:03:09] Yeah.
Cole [00:03:09] And and I, like, walked in and I just, like, looked at the manager and he was like, you good. And I was like, I'm sick. He's like, Are you okay? And I go, I don't feel good. And he's like, And you came here to tell me that? And I was like, Yeah. And he's like, Okay, do you want to go home? And I was like, Yeah, if I could, I would like to go home. And I went home and luckily I didn't get fired, which is insane. I know. I can't believe I didn't get fired. But like, that is one of those moments where I was like, okay, I really need to take a look at myself, even though I didn't get sober till probably two years after that. Yeah, that is just one of those defining moments where I look back on and I'm like, okay, like, that was crazy. Yeah, that I was like, actually doing that.
Cait [00:03:58] I know. And it was normalized.
Cole [00:04:00] It was normal. I was told. I just kept living my life. I was like, Well, I still have my job, right?
Cait [00:04:05] Right.
Cole [00:04:05] I just kept doing it.
Cait [00:04:06] That perspective of like a high functioning like addict or user, however you see yourself. I definitely relate to that because when I decided to get sober, I almost every single person in my life went, What, are you kidding? And it's so important, I think, to hear stories like yours to where you can acknowledge it or you can take a look and reflect on these moments like what you're talking about, which I call them like little seeds where they're planted. And you realize that there can be growth if you decide to look at those seeds and water them and grow from them and and realize that maybe your gardens growing full of frickin weeds and you're in the weeds. Right. And you can like tend to your garden of like health and nourishment and wellness.
Cole [00:04:51] I love that.
Cait [00:04:51] Thank you, my uniform. Thank you. So it sounds like that's what you did.
Cole [00:04:56] Yeah, totally. And like, I've had the same exact experience from, like, friends and family who I've told. And, you know, I think there's a stigma behind the word addict. Mm hmm. Definitely.
Cait [00:05:06] Totally.
Cole [00:05:06] And I use the word loosely.
Cait [00:05:09] Yeah, because I think.
Cole [00:05:09] A lot of people, they hear the word addict or addiction, and immediately they go to meth user with their teeth falling out in a crack house, you know, life in shambles, homeless, you know. But like, to me, I would consider myself I was a functioning addict. I am an addict. But that to me is just that just means that I personally had an unhealthy relationship with the drugs and alcohol that I was doing.
Cait [00:05:40] Yeah, other.
Cole [00:05:41] People can do. You know, I have friends who are very good at drinking. They're very, very good at drinking. And there are people who are good at drink. I think a lot of people are not. Yeah, I think a lot of people don't know that they're really bad at it. Yeah. And if you were to, you know, use the word addict around them, it would be very defensive. No, no, not me. Right. But, you know, I've got friends who are doctors and I'll I'll watch them crush 12 white claws, and then they get up at 7 a.m. and they go to the gym and then they they immediately get their life right back to every single time. And I'm like, that's amazing. And like, that's the thing is, I don't think that everyone should not drink. And I think that's what a lot of people think, that sober people think that like alcohol. It's like, no, I've seen people use it responsibly and that are good at doing it. But that's just not me.
Cait [00:06:33] Yeah.
Cole [00:06:34] And I. That in myself that I, I don't I'm I'm I'm full throttle.
Cait [00:06:41] Yeah.
Cole [00:06:41] That I can.
Cait [00:06:42] Right there with.
Cole [00:06:42] You. I can't do it if that was me 12 White Claws the next morning I'm like, where? Where we going for brunch? We're doing bottomless mimosas.
Cait [00:06:49] Right. Yeah. That's a really good point to talk about because I do think there's so many things that you just touched on. First, the stigma about the word addict. I think our society and like the entertainment industry especially, has painted this picture that we grew up seeing, like kind of like with E.T. like E.T. came out, we all saw an alien, and we were like, That's what all aliens look like. So then we're like, Well, if it doesn't look like that, it's not an alien. And that's how it is with addicts. It's like, I've seen all of these people on TV and film fall off the wagon, look like this, look like you're how you described. And if I'm not that, then I'm not an addict. Or if I think that I could be, I just like pushes away the the grasping ability new word, I think.
Cole [00:07:37] Yeah, yeah, we just did.
Cait [00:07:38] We just didn't blog it. Okay.
Cole [00:07:42] I knew exactly what you were saying, though, and I think it was the perfect.
Cait [00:07:45] Word, the great. Yeah. Ability. Yeah, I love it. The grasp ability of saying like this is a category in which I fit and like because that's not graspable and it's not attainable and it's not right there for a lot of people. It prevents them from like doing better or getting better or reevaluating or taking a seven day cleanse or taking a 30 day break. And it's just seems less approachable. So absolutely true. I love your definition of how you see yourself as like an addict, just somebody who doesn't have a healthy relationship with the substances they were using. Also, I think that the judgment that you were describing then, I think a lot of people assume sober people have on other people. One, I mean, I can really only speak to my story and I'm sure you have a relatable point of view. Like I just went to a Friendsgiving in November. Everybody there had maybe two glasses of wine and then they stopped and I was like, I have never seen that or done that. So that's so foreign to me. That's amazing magic. It's magic in a bottle.
Cole [00:08:55] What? You guys don't. You guys, I want to open another bottle.
Cait [00:08:59] Yeah, she was like, what, are we not going to go out after this? And there's.
Cole [00:09:04] Losers.
Cait [00:09:04] Yeah, there's. You guys have it together.
Cole [00:09:08] It's not fun.
Cait [00:09:10] But the point is, is that there are people out there who don't have a necessarily huge, unhealthy relationship with alcohol or with drugs. And but I also think on the flip side of it, my opinion and I'd like to know yours, too, I think anybody can get there. I think it's not super hard to get to an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, because I do think it's like a it's a substance. It's it's just legal and it's just a big part of our economy and our society. And so, you know, taking stock of how you view it, I think is important, 100%.
Cole [00:09:45] 100%. And I think that's not something that we do. I think everyone not everyone, but many, many people sort of launch themselves into drinking before they've really, like processed what it is, because that's kind of like that's our society, you know? I mean, it's like everyone's just waiting to turn 21 where we, we spend 21 years of our lives just waiting.
Cait [00:10:12] In the.
Cole [00:10:12] Shadows, just like when it's going to be my time soon. Yeah. And we see, we see parties and drinking and drugs. It's so, it's so glorified in so many different ways. I mean, you see your parents do it like my parents were big boozers. Yeah, big, big boozers and so on. I saw them drinking all. It looks like fun and you know, there's a lot of like and then but you hear growing up and I talk about this a lot too when I'm talking to like other sober people, it's crazy because it's like there's so much bad like language and so many bad expressions that are said so frequently when you go out like you hear your mom come home, you know, she had a long day like, oh, you know, oh, hi. And just having the worst day ever. I need a vodka.
Cait [00:11:01] Yeah.
Cole [00:11:01] And you grow up hearing that or, you know, my dad was a huge Patriots fan and when the Pats would lose, it would be like, all right, break out the whiskey. The patch lost. So it was like, oh, we're associating negative feelings. This is how we deal with negative feelings. We grab booze and you like that? It sounds silly, but it's like that is instilled in you. You think like, oh, what? Hell yeah. Like one day I'm going to be able to, like, drink when I'm sad.
Cait [00:11:29] Yeah. You know. Yeah. And when I'm happy.
Cole [00:11:31] And when I'm happy it's all the things. It's the.
Cait [00:11:34] Whole cycle.
Cole [00:11:35] And it's attached to every single event in life. Every event you can tie drinking to it is it's a weird thing to sort of growing up and then, you know, going through all of those events in your life, birthdays, graduations, any type of celebration, Super Bowl, you name it, you drink on those occasions. And then so that becomes your norm. Oh, yeah, we're going to go over to grandma's house or whatever, and we're going to crack a couple of beers. Yeah, it's so-and-so's birthday. We're going to get, you know, lit that. That's the weirdest thing when you get sober is removing the booze from those events and realizing, okay, like, what does this mean to me now?
Cait [00:12:19] What was that like for you when you first got sober? It's like if you can go back to your first three months or something. Yeah. What time of the year did you get sober?
Cole [00:12:27] It was October.
Cait [00:12:28] Okay. So you coming up on those holidays?
Cole [00:12:31] Yeah, it was coming up on the holidays. It was actually a pretty so the first five months or so were like pretty brutal because you got you got Halloween, Thanksgiving, all the Christmas stuff. You've got New Year's Eve. And then in February, I had a bachelor party planned with it was my buddies and like nine of us were renting an RV and going on like a week long trip. We were going it was a big snowboarding trip. We were going through Vegas and then making our way all the way up to Jackson Hole. And it was just going be a giant party. Yeah. And of course, we planned it like a year in advance. So when I told my buddy. Oh, yeah, because I didn't tell anyone I was going to go sober. Sober.
Cait [00:13:12] Okay.
Cole [00:13:13] I was telling everyone I'm just doing it for a year.
Cait [00:13:16] Yeah, I think that's safe.
Cole [00:13:17] Yeah. I was like, I'm going to do it for a year. Yeah. And see how it goes. Yeah. Because all my friends, you know, my my friends are all brose. Yeah. From Orange County. It was devastating to them.
Cait [00:13:28] Yeah, yeah.
Cole [00:13:28] They were broken. They were like they thought they were going to lose me.
Cait [00:13:31] I know.
Cole [00:13:32] And so I was like, I'm just doing it for a year. It's okay.
Cait [00:13:35] Yeah.
Cole [00:13:36] And so that was tough to like, break it to my buddy who was getting married. He's like, but you're going to you're going to drink on the trip, right? And I'm like, No. And he's like, We'll see about that, you know? And it was like a very interesting. Oh, yeah, people were not my friends did not receive it. Well, the news at all. It was it was tough. But yeah, that that bachelor party came around and I was about, you know, October. Yeah, I was like five months, five months in. And we were like, we were in a Vegas suite. Oh, by the way, this is the other part of it. I rolled my ankle two weeks before, so I didn't end up snowboarding at all. I was in I was in a literal wheelchair.
Cait [00:14:15] So. So you're like, if you thought you could just escape. Yeah, well, yeah, good. Yeah.
Cole [00:14:20] Yeah. So I was in a wheelchair, which for some reason made it more difficult. And my friends were just like in this suite in Vegas, like partying so hard and just, you know, doing drugs and and having a time and and I sat in the corner and just kind of watched them. And there was like there was a brief moment. Yeah. Where I almost cracked totally. I was like, I started justifying it in my head.
Cait [00:14:47] I know that's where it starts, right? I was like.
Cole [00:14:48] What if I just do.
Cait [00:14:49] You have like a little conversation and internal convo?
Cole [00:14:52] Maybe I, maybe I just.
Cait [00:14:54] Restart right next week. Right.
Cole [00:14:56] And I kind of realized I was trying to talk myself into and I was like, What am I doing? And I just sat in it and just didn't do it. And what was crazy was the next day when I realized I had gotten through it, I really was like, If I can get through that, I can get through any situation. Yeah, that was the that was the ultimate test for me.
Cait [00:15:17] I was like, Oh, my Olympics of sobriety.
Cole [00:15:20] Yes, it was. It was. I felt pretty good after that. I was like, I'm I'm going to be able to do this.
Cait [00:15:26] I think. Yeah.
Cole [00:15:27] Yeah. What about for you?
Cait [00:15:29] I didn't have any super, super tempting events like you did, but I do think we all go through them 100%. Even if you're cutting cake out of your life. Yeah, you're going to go to a party and there's going to be freaking cake, right? Right. So, like, you can't dairy out, you're going to go to a really good Italian restaurant and they're going to ask, Do you want cheese on that? Like it's gonna happen? And sitting in it like you did I think is so important. And not everybody does it their first go right like yeah and that's okay. Olympics.
Cole [00:16:00] That's okay.
Cait [00:16:00] It's totally cool. Yeah. If you if you don't totally okay but you will get these opportunities to get that gold medal, so to say, of, of observing and abstaining. And I have found that it's tempting at first, but it does hit a point where you realize, wow, everyone has taken like four or five shots and they all look awful or this looks now awful. Yes. No one's making sense. Not again. Everyone thinks they're so freaking funny. I don't even understand the joke. Yeah. So it. Does take the glorification of being in that state away. I think the more you see it, the more you're like, wow, I really wasn't funnier. I really wasn't more charming. I wasn't sexier, I wasn't more put together. I was a friggin mess.
Cole [00:16:51] Yeah, you see that? And you go, Was that me?
Cait [00:16:55] And my.
Cole [00:16:55] Answer is, Yes.
Cait [00:16:56] Absolutely. It's yes.
Cole [00:16:58] Yes it is you.
Cait [00:17:01] Sir lutely.
Cole [00:17:03] I literally work with drunk people. That's my.
Cait [00:17:06] Job. Yeah. Like totally with Don't Tell.
Cole [00:17:08] Yes, as you know, as a comic, that's like the number one type of person that you interact with.
Cait [00:17:15] Yeah.
Cole [00:17:16] It's like it's every night you have someone coming out, read you. I like do jokes too sometimes and you're like, Oh no, here we go.
Cait [00:17:25] Here's the pitch.
Cole [00:17:28] But it's crazy to see how people act and the spectrum of the of the type of person. It's like it. I mean, it's crazy, too, because you'll see like a a dude who's like in his late sixties and he's just blasted and so unaware and you're like, you've gone your whole life not being self-aware and and and that's okay.
Cait [00:17:56] It's okay if he's happy. Great. Right?
Cole [00:17:59] But it scares you when you see something like that because you're like the same thing. Like, that could have been me. Totally. And that was me before. And that's crazy.
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Cole [00:18:52] Oh, yes.
Cait [00:18:53] And how do you deal with it? Because I don't think necessarily that shame is the healthiest way to feel when you think about. Yeah. An updated version of yourself, you know?
Cole [00:19:02] Totally. Totally. I mean, I think I definitely felt more shame when I was still doing it, when I would look back on on, you know, those times that I would consider shameful. I mean, especially when you're doing drugs. Like uppers, like cocaine and stuff like that. When you are doing those types of things, you tend to open up to people who you don't even know. And you have these conversations of of grandeur and these, like, amazing. Oh, we're going to start a business together, you and me, and we're going to open up a bar. Like like a lot of those moments, I would. I would just feel so embarrassed about the next day, like having these, just like these unbelievably cringey conversations with people. And sometimes I would have them and then I would wake up in the morning and be like, Was that person even like where we having a conversation or was I just spewing. Yes, was I just spewing at them? And they were like, dear God. And obviously, you know, when when you wake up with like hangovers and stuff like that, I think you feel a lot of a lot of shame for feeling poorly the next day and wasting time. I think that was that was the number one thing that I felt shame about was the time I wasted being hung over. And that truly, I think, is one of the most valuable things that I take away from from being sober now and not not being in that world anymore is the time that I save now, the time that I have now that isn't spent hung over because you waste so, so, so much time. It's not even just a waste of time, but but the time that you do spend hung over, it's it's very toxic mentally because you're just beating yourself down the whole time. You're like, I feel horrible. I did this to myself. I'm a piece of shit. Like, why do I keep doing this to myself? And and you really I think you're really hard on yourself. You're in a bad state of mind, like when you're coming down off of drugs and alcohol. Back to your point about do I feel shame now? No, I don't. I mean, the way that I see it now is like I've done a lot of things where it's like, yeah, I've been shamed. I've felt shame about the way that I've abused drugs and alcohol. And like some things that I've said and done, obviously, like if you're if you're an addict, you're going to do and say crazy shit. Yeah, that's okay. But the day, the day that I decided to, like, go sober and kind of put everything behind me, I know in my heart truly that from that day forward, I have only been trying to be the best version of myself and like wholeheartedly have been a good person from that, from that day forward, I have like tried my hardest to like do whatever I can to be a good person to myself and to everyone around me. So I've kind of like left that shame in my past and just have known, like, okay, like I'm basically like shedding that old skin and like I'm starting fresh, so I kind of left all that behind me.
Cait [00:22:05] I feel like it's so important. Yeah, it's so important to get rid of that weight of shame. Yeah. Because I think, you know, also a lot of times when I hear or when I get asked about my sobriety journey or the lessons that I've learned or whatever, I feel like the conversation gets so fixated on the shit that you did and how much you messed it all up. And it's hard to heal when your focus is all of the things that you have done that aren't what you would do now. It's this sense of a stagnant mental hole. And I think even if you aren't somebody who like has conversations about it, or let's say you're sober and you're keeping it to yourself, you're keeping it close to chest, it's important to not get stagnant within yourself, too, and having those conversations and going over it because you can't really grow. So I'm glad you don't feel that way. Yeah, we're. We're good. Yeah. Thank God. When you decided to get sober, you were with your partner of how? How many years had you and Laura been together?
Cole [00:23:18] This is a good topic.
Cait [00:23:19] Great.
Cole [00:23:20] This is a good topic.
Cait [00:23:21] I mean, guys, you.
Cole [00:23:22] Know, and this was that was that was a very good angle. We had been together five, four and a half, four, five years.
Cait [00:23:30] Okay.
Cole [00:23:30] Yeah, just about five, actually.
Cait [00:23:32] And how how what did that conversation look like between the two of you?
Cole [00:23:37] I think that, like, she was always down with that.
Cait [00:23:40] Yeah.
Cole [00:23:40] Like she we dated for five years. She saw how.
Cait [00:23:43] Chaotic.
Cole [00:23:44] I could be. Yeah, I mean, I. Think all addicts like to attract a certain level of chaos into their lives. It's fun. Yeah, but over a long period of time, it's destructive, no doubt. But, like, she. She saw how I would act. And I honestly, I think, like, eight out of ten times I would go out, it would be fine. And then there was like two where would just be like, Yo, yeah.
Cait [00:24:07] Control. Yeah.
Cole [00:24:08] And that's enough. Yeah, that's enough to, like, strike concern in your significant other. So when I told her that I was going to go, she was unbelievably supportive. That was all. That was great. You know, she's not a big drinker. Like at home, like, we never were. We were never, like, drink at home type people. It was always just like social. Going out, hanging out with friends, pre-game and going to bars, parties, whatever. So that aspect of her, like, home life didn't really change. So that was nice that it was always kind of like calm and like booze free in the house. But the hard part for sure was the social aspect, because I would always consider myself kind of a social butterfly life of the party type of guy, like coming in loud, drunk, screaming stories at parties. Honestly, I thought that's who I was. I really did. Until like two and a half years ago, I was like, Oh, that's me. I'm that guy. I'm the guy who's, like, telling loud stories and joking and like, getting everyone to take shots and having so much fun. And it was like, Oh, I'm actually not that person at all. And I would go to these parties and I would just kind of sit in the corner and kind of like, have small conversations and no joke. 30 minutes would go by, and I wanted to leave so bad. So, so, so, so bad. So that was that was tough because we have, you know, similar friend groups and we'd all be hanging out and I would be like, I want to leave. And she would be like, really like a like again. And I'd be like, You can stay. That's fine. I just I have to leave. That took her a really, really long time to, like, understand why I felt that way. But after, you know, repetition, this is what it is now. So now we kind of have this thing where it's like, if we go to a place, I'm always like, you know, that I'm only going to stay like an hour tops. And then I'm out and she's like, That's cool. Just come show face, say hi to my friends. Because for a while there, I would just stay home. I wouldn't do it. Yeah, I would. I would just go. No, I started kind of like falling off with my friends a little bit. I stopped seeing them. People were like, kind of worried about me, you know? They were like, I don't see you anywhere. We're worried about you. We feel like you're maybe depressed. And I was like, No, I'm not. I'm actually better than I've ever been. I'm so happy. I'm so happy at home. I've never been happier sitting at home with my dog.
Cait [00:26:38] Yeah, but.
Cole [00:26:39] I was anxious is what it was. Yeah. I didn't realize. The reason that I'd been drinking so much at these parties was because I was just trying to get rid of, like, this anxiety that I was carrying around.
Cait [00:26:49] Such a good point. Yeah. And so valid to not want to go and so healthy to just do what you want to do in your body in that time. And so good to communicate with your partner regardless of if you even understand why you feel that way. I think the biggest thing that I've learned when it comes to adjusting to how I am socially is just communicating. It's so easy to just be like, I'm really not feeling it. I'm out. You don't even have to know what's going on. And I, I would I'm curious to know during those first times out being social where you were like, I just got to go. Did you know why you wanted to leave? Did that evolve? Did you get a better understanding? And then when you communicated that understanding, did it allow for you to get to the place where you are, where she's like, Just come and show face, then you're out.
Cole [00:27:47] You know, immediately when you walk into a space and you're not comfortable, you know? And I think I think part of it part of it definitely stemmed from. The desire to want to join in and not being able to and sort of like fighting the feeling of like actually wanting to go grab a drink because that's a very tough thing to do. Like for someone who's trying to quit something, you know, back to your cake reference, it's like someone who's like, you know, swearing off of cake and walking through a cake shop. It's like, that's brutal.
Cait [00:28:20] Yeah.
Cole [00:28:20] Why would you do that to yourself? Yeah. Why would you go to a cake shop?
Cait [00:28:23] Yeah.
Cole [00:28:24] And look at the cakes and just, like, have your mouth water the whole time. Totally. But that's what I was in. My mouth is watering in the corner, like watching everyone just, like, drink and have fun. And and I'm processing that at the same time. I'm feeling like I'm not good at conversing with people. I'm like, Oh, have I just, like, never been good at having conversations with people. And like the only thing that was carrying me through them was the booze. So you're like processing all of these things, especially in the first like year of sobriety. I think it takes a while for you to kind of like accept those the new you, I guess. Yeah. And that's a hard thing to like process in the moment, especially because, you know, I'm a comedian and I'm a people pleaser.
Cait [00:29:06] Yeah.
Cole [00:29:07] Big time. Yeah, I I'm so concerned all the time with how everyone else is feeling around me all the time. If there's a if there's a thing happening, I want to make sure that everyone's having fun, that everyone's laughing, that everyone is like, got a drink or do you need something great? And that changed drastically when I stopped drinking because I felt those things still. But I was processing so many other things. I was like internalizing all of these things and kind of like sitting in the corner and trying to figure out what to do with myself. Yeah, but I feel like the more time that passed in, the more like the more comfortable I became. Everyone started to know they're like, Oh yeah, look, we don't even offer a couple drinks anymore. Cause you used to be like, do you want? And it was like, No, I'm good. No, I'm.
Cait [00:29:55] Good. No, I'm.
Cole [00:29:55] Good. No, I'm good. And it's like, how many? No, I'm good. Can I do before? I'm like, I got to leave, you know? And eventually, like, everyone kind of, like, figured it out. I started to figure it out. Now it's not even a, like, second nature.
Cait [00:30:09] Yeah, no, thank you.
Cole [00:30:11] Are just like, Oh, I'm so good. Thank you. Thank you so much. Before when someone would would ask me, Hey, do you want a beer? I would have to actually think say no. Yeah, I do, I do. But say no.
Cait [00:30:21] You're not going to have one. Yeah, yeah.
Cole [00:30:23] Yeah. So that and that takes a toll on you. Like each time you have to say no. But you really wanted it like that, right? It's tough, but I'm in a place now, luckily, where like I feel very comfortable in saying no and I truly don't want it.
Cait [00:30:35] Yeah.
Cole [00:30:36] Also, when you're like a people pleaser, you want to have fun with people and you don't you don't want to be the guy who's not drinking. That was the hardest thing for me, was being the dork in the corner. It was brutal. Yeah. And I had to. I had to become the know guy. And I've always been a yes man.
Cait [00:30:53] Yeah, always. Yeah.
Cole [00:30:55] You could get me to drink, even if. Even if I had a huge interview the next day. You know, that's that's how those things happened, because someone could. So I knew I shouldn't do that before I had that giant workshop at 6 a.m..
Cait [00:31:09] Right.
Cole [00:31:09] But someone was like, How about me? And I'm like, okay, right. Let's do it. I want to make this person happy. And if I say yes, they're going to think I'm cool and we're going to have a great time and it's going to be fun. So being the person who says like no to things, that was by far the hardest, the hardest part of all of it.
Cait [00:31:28] Me, too. And I had to reframe my reasoning for saying no, that I wasn't saying no to life or to an opportunity. I was actually saying yes to life in an opportunity. It was just packaging and noted that person. Yeah. So I was saying yes to me every time I was saying no to a drink and that kept me in that people pleasing mode. I was just one of the people I was trying to please.
Cole [00:31:54] That's great. What a healthy, healthy look.
Cait [00:31:57] Yeah.
Cole [00:31:58] That's so good. And I have honestly never even thought of it that way. I think subconsciously.
Cait [00:32:03] Right.
Cole [00:32:04] But, like, that's a great way to, like, present that idea.
Cait [00:32:06] Thank you. Yeah. So if you can if you're listening or if you feel like that's your biggest hurdle because I think it's a super valid hurdle, just repackage it if you can, if you can and if you can try to just think about repackaging your nose into yeses to yourself, I think it'll make it easier. And also like with what you did, which was say, I'm just going to say it's for a year and maybe that year needs to be minimized. You're just saying I'm just saying it for a week or I'm just saying it for 30 days. Give yourself an out. Having that out already on the tip of your tongue really helps you turn down those temptations. That's what I've learned. Yeah.
Cole [00:32:46] Yeah, I think. Yeah, I think you're right on a percent. And it was because that's a really that's a really healthy way to kind of trick your.
Cait [00:32:55] Brain.
Cole [00:32:56] Into. Making the hard decision. You know, and I think it was I think it was DAX Shepard. I was listening to one of his podcasts, and I'm going to butcher this for sure, even though I live my life by this. And I'm like, I don't even know if this is what he said. Exactly.
Cait [00:33:12] This is what you took from it there. Yeah.
Cole [00:33:15] Exactly. But you'll get the gist of it. He was just saying, like, as an addict, you like to live your life at a ten out of ten. You know, you're really, really chasing high. You like adrenaline rushes and you like these like, moments of, like, absolute chaos and and the purest forms of experiencing ecstasy and all of that is like that's drug culture, that's partying, that's like the best night of my life. You know, you go so hard. And he was just saying the best way to look at it is, you know, you can't sustain living at a ten. It's not sustainable long term. It's just not going to work. You're going to fizzle out. He's like, If you learn to live your life between a five and a seven, that is longevity. And he's like, And it's not always going to be the most fun, but you have to understand that that is where real life lives. Yeah, between a five and a seven. And it's okay that you're not at a ten today. It's okay that you're not at a ten tomorrow. And it's okay that if you're not at a ten for the next week, those tens will come in your life. You will have these these little blips of of these ten moments in your life, and it's going to make them that much better when they do come. But if you can learn to just live between that, find peace between that five and a seven, and you're going to be so much happier. And that hit home like really, really hard for me because I think I. You do you think? Oh, I'm boring. Yeah, I'm boring. But you go life is boring. Life is boring in a lot of ways. It's just like and that's.
Cait [00:34:55] Okay, right? We get up.
Cole [00:34:56] We do the same things we eat, we go to the gym, we go to work. It's like, okay, nothing exciting happened today. Yeah, that's everyone.
Cait [00:35:02] Yeah.
Cole [00:35:02] And that's okay.
Cait [00:35:04] Yeah.
Cole [00:35:04] And there can be other things that you do to, like, try to, like, get more excitement in your life, but it doesn't have to be a toxic thing. Yeah, that ruins your life.
Cait [00:35:14] Absolutely. That's a great point. And I also think boring because like I would drink the most when I was bored and then pandemic hit and you're sitting at home alone, you're freaking bored out of your mind. Yeah. And there are times where life is totally boring. I also think that I feel like I can say this with you because we both probably chase chaos in order to avoid boring. Totally. Sometimes when you get into that headspace, things aren't actually boring, they're steady and it scares you. And you're like, What? So I try to think when I'm like sitting and I'm like bored and I board or is it just steady right now? Do I just not have anything to worry about? Do I just have nothing that I'm maybe looking forward to? Is it just steady? Is that water still? And do I really want to wipe my hand in that water and make a freaking mess? Or can I just let it be still water for a little bit because it will get trickling at some point.
Cole [00:36:09] Right on its own.
Cait [00:36:10] On its own. And then you're going to be present for that ten. You're going to actually remember that ten. You're not going to have to go through your stories to look to see that ten right here from somebody else or whatever. Wrapping up. When you think about all of these tools, they all I'm like tools in your toolkit to stay sober or to get through the Olympics of being sober. What is a tool that you have found that you suggest people get for their tool?
Cole [00:36:38] Honestly, I think this is one that's talked about a lot, but my best tool is like just like physical exertion, whatever that may be, physical activity, finding ways to move your body because like there are ways there are ways to get these like endorphin highs. Like you don't have to run a marathon, you can run one mile.
Cait [00:36:59] Yeah.
Cole [00:36:59] And there are little moments that because I think a lot of people, you know, can turn to booze or they can turn to drugs when when they're feeling depressed or anxious. Like a big one for me was anxiety, was just feeling like I had so much on my plate and I just didn't know where to direct these feelings. And so now removing alcohol, removing drugs from my life, I've found these little pockets of areas where, like, I can take my anxiety and I can kind of like, release it. Surfing is a big one for me. Just going. Just going to the gym, taking my dog to the beach. You got to find these, like, healthy drugs.
Cait [00:37:39] Yeah.
Cole [00:37:40] Get addicted to riding your bike. I know it sounds so stupid.
Cait [00:37:44] No, it doesn't. But all.
Cole [00:37:45] But, like, find these little things that you replace that are, like, physical activity. It releases endorphins, it makes you feel so good. That is by far the best thing I think you can. You for your mental health.
Cait [00:37:58] I love that.
Cole [00:37:59] That and like reality TV shows.
Cait [00:38:01] Perfect. Do it. Get a palatine or get a treadmill with the TV on and on.
Cole [00:38:06] Love is blind and just ride for hours.
Cait [00:38:10] Yeah. Okay. Well, thank you. Thank you for telling me your story. And holy crap, how far we have come.
Cole [00:38:17] Yeah. Congratulations.
Cait [00:38:18] Congratulations.
Cole [00:38:19] Thank you. Thanks for having me.
Cait [00:38:21] This episode was produced by Sarah Ashcraft, Music by Honey Du and recorded at the Wave. For more tips, tricks and tools, subscribe to our mailing list by heading to the clearheaded podcast icon and entering in your email. Talk to you next week.
