S2Ep15 || How do you cope?
Cait sits down with Zewiditu Jewel to discuss separating from something you thought you once needed in order to live the life you built.
For Zewiditu Jewel there were many moments of dealing with alcoholism throughout her life. It all started when she coped with a trauma that happened at 18. In this episode both Zewiditu and Cait reflect on how so many of us face traumas and society hands us a bottle to numb that pain. The two also talk about the lack of shown diversity amongst the sober community and how creativity can help keep you focused during your first few months.
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Cait: [00:00:00] Welcome to the clear-headed podcast. I'm Cait Madry your host. And I'm so happy you're here. This is the podcast that drops in on people's moments of clarity surrounding their sobriety super LA of me. But I like to start every episode with a deep breath in. So if you're driving to work or you're on your way to run some errands, or maybe you're in bed, getting ready to wind down, let's just start with a deep breath.
Okay, let's get clear headed.
How do you cope? It's a question that we ask ourselves in this episode. When I sit down with Zewiditu Jewel, host of Sober in the Morning, we touch on the many facets of her life and her journey with alcoholism throughout it, from lack of shown diversity amongst the sober community to how to stay creative through your first few [00:01:00] weeks, we discuss a lot. There are so many moments, just like everybody that led up to re-evaluation with alcohol, but it really started after an event too many women go through after moving to a new city at 18 years old as a freshman in college.
Zewiditu: I actually started drinking after I was sexually assaulted. So before that happened, I didn't really drink that much. I would go to like the occasional party and probably have like a beer that I was very unfamiliar with, you know, and like Prosecco or something. So I didn't even have an understanding nor a palate for alcohol, but after my sexual assault. I use that as a form of coping, because I didn't know who to speak to, how to heal. And it just seemed like the easiest way to escape my problems at that time. And that continued for, for many years. And then it just became a part of the lifestyle. You know, even [00:02:00] alcohol is a part of an essential product when you're like when Uber eats or grub hub and things like that. So it wasn't out of the norm for me to drink and the way in which I was drinking, I was the person that would bring a bottle of wine for myself, and then a bottle of wine for the party. And I didn't have anyone around me or any mentors that I could speak to about, you know, this issue that I was having, that I was unaware of. So. On January 29th, 2018. I had like a superior blackout moment and I was listening to another podcast the other day, actually. And they were talking about blacking out. And how the misconception is that when you black out, you just pass out a black thing out, has everything to do with being totally. And your body, but out of your body and out of sound and out of mind. And I had so many of those experiences, but that specific day was like the last straw for me. The very next day I made an emergency therapy appointment. My therapist [00:03:00] suggested AA and that's when it got like real that's when it got very real for me. And instead of choosing a, as an outlet or an outsource. I knew in my heart it was done. Like I had to stop. I had to stop because I had to save myself to be honest. That is actually the day that I had my last drink. So that's like, when I say like the day I got sober, because it was my most sobering moments of, of all. It's important to acknowledge that everyone's journey is non-linear, right? Like, so listening to me, you know, when hearing me today, or even when people listen to you, they can't assume that their journey or experience is going to be like yours.
Cait: Yeah. I want to talk about a couple of things that you just said because there was so much goodness in there. There were, I love it. I love this already. Yes, I completely agree that everyone's journey is not linear. Sobriety is not linear. Questioning your relationship with alcohol [00:04:00] is not linear. And I think that, gosh, it's also so true that who you surround yourself with really informs how in touch you are with your relationship with alcohol. You know, if everybody else around you in all of your friends are partying and raging, or they don't see a problem with. It's going to be very hard for you to examine that as a problem. I mean, I sh I share that. I share that struggle too, with when I got sober and my friend group, and they were all built on booze when things are built on booze, it's really, you don't want to take the booze away. Cause then everything else falls. When your therapist said to you, have you considered AA and you had that click moment of, ah, okay. We've gotten to this point. To the point of somebody suggesting a that's how unhealthy the relationship is. What did you do [00:05:00] to remove yourself from alcohol? What were the first couple of moves that you made?
Zewiditu: I actually, at that time, when I first ..., I was living at home with my mom and my grandmother, as well as my. So I was living in a, in a full house and my mom's not a drinker. And my grandma was well in her nineties and my brother isn't a drinker either. So there wasn't the only time there'd be alcohol in the house as if I'd bring it.
I wasn't the stock kind of gal, you know, and just like, get like a bottle here and there. So I didn't have to, thankfully I didn't have any temptations in my direct household, so I didn't have to worry about that. And while I was on the journey of recovery at that time, I decided to record an audio. And I use that as a forum, a new form of therapy and coping. I have a background in writing. I've studied writing my entire life. And one of the tools that my therapist gave me was, well, why don't you start journaling? And to a writer, that's kind of like, [00:06:00] okay, I journal all the time. You know what I mean? And I was just like, it didn't feel like it would really do much. So instead what I did. I would just like use my voice memos on my iPhone as a stream of consciousness. And that turns into me reaching out to a producer that I was working with at that time. And we created like a full body of work, which was really exciting, called Zewiditu-ism 10, uh, I'll be re-releasing this year.
And also I have some visuals on my website. During the time of getting sober, uh, within my recovery. So many things were going on. I just turned 30. I decided to record an audio book. So it's really a coming of age story of like me navigating and trying to find my way and like just a, you know, a personal side, I'm a Gemini. So like I'm always navigating and looking to find my way as well as a creative. So it's like always ever-evolving. So that's what that looked like for me at that time, I had a, I had an opportunity to focus my energy and my [00:07:00] mind on something creative. But with that being said, There was no social life for me. People initially didn't know how to relate to me. Uh, they didn't want to invite me out because they didn't want to necessarily like, maybe feel like they were triggering me. They didn't know how to interact with me. And then over time that honestly grew into me no longer wanting to be in those spaces because they personally didn't serve me. I would say the first year felt semi isolating, but I had the blessing of focusing all of my energy and my attention on this creative endeavor. And then over time, you're just like, oh wow. I see that. What I thought that was may not have been that, or I'm no longer that.
Cait: Yeah. When I got sober too I threw myself into a project and I think it's a really helpful tool that anybody can do. We're obviously both creative people and you know, to anybody out there who's maybe not in the creative field, there's [00:08:00] so many different things you can do, or you can try to get in touch with your creativity. But for me, And I, I'm curious to know about you as well. For me, the reason I was drinking so much is because I wanted to quiet my mind and escape. And so when I got sober, all of those voices were back and, and that noise was louder than ever. And the healthier alternative to quieting that noise was to focus on something like a project or creative endeavor. It was that your reason. Drinking also. Yeah,
Zewiditu: I actually, yeah, I would going back to, you know, using that as a form of therapy to cope with being sexually assaulted. That was, that was the reason I had begun drinking. I was, I didn't, I didn't drink really before that, you know, I, I would like experiment with alcohol, but I didn't know what I was doing. And, you know, to just be Frank, I was. 18 years [00:09:00] old, new to New York city. I mean, I'm from DC. So I'm familiar with, you know, a big city. And I was like just fresh in my own space and my own element and very green to, you know, people and, you know, intentions and things like that. So I had been in a situation where my safety was compromised. And after, you know, being sexually assaulted, I had gone to therapy of the therapy that the school provides, and I felt very conflicted, unsafe. You know, I wasn't able to connect with a therapist who was a white male therapist at that time, had like a notebook, just continue to flip through the pages as he was, you know, taking notes on me. And I felt very disconnected from the experience. And I remember literally being in, in, in the dorm, like in my room and my bed for like a week, like not really talking to anybody, not really knowing how to speak about the experience of what had happened to me, but I did have a [00:10:00] roommate at that time who's was already 21 and she just had liquor in that, you know, and the refrigerator around. And she was very, just like free spirited. So it was around, it was there. And I found that when I would drink, I could just like completely, you know, transform into this person with like no inhibitions, basically. I didn't have to like you said, quieting those voices. I didn't have to think about anything, but what I did learn over time as I had gotten older and more attuned with my feelings, when I wasn't drinking, is that there was something going on with me internally and mentally, that would be triggered when I would drink contingent on. So sometimes people, you know, I would hear people saying I would be one of those people say like, Oh, like, if I drink tequila, I'm going to be like this. Or if I drink Hennessy, I'm going to get like this. But when I drink this, I'll be like this and this like this, but for me, it was like, no, when I'm going through. [00:11:00] It doesn't matter what I'm drinking, I'm going to have this experience. And that when I, when I really focused and honed in like this, this has everything to do with my mental that's when I knew I had to get ahead of my addiction, get sober and ultimately create sober in the morning, which is all about redefining sobriety by focusing on like the mental health aspect of things.
Cait: I mean, it's so important. I think that booze is so accessible and marketed is as such the answer. And it's so sexy too. It is. So it's like a luring and the marketing is behind it. And I mean, it's such a big part of our economy and like, you know, it's just everywhere, it's everywhere. So I think it's enlightening to see that your story. It's very similar to, I think a lot of women's where you have something traumatic happen and, and booze is [00:12:00] handed or seen. And in your hand as a way to cope, it's just, I I'm just so happy that you worked through that and that I did too. We both worked through it..
Zewiditu: Absolutely. And, and when I started to even, you know, Learn more about like the statistics without giving you any numbers? Cause I'm like really bad at that. I found that a lot of sexual assaults happened through some form of drug or alcohol even to alter one state to then be in this position or the aftermath of coping from your experience. To, to take you out of that element, you know, to take you out of that space about thinking of those things. So, yeah. Yeah. It's, it's definitely, unfortunately it is a drug and when, when mishandled and it, and it can be very dangerous.
Cait: Yeah. And also it's interesting that it in this society, we're [00:13:00] expected to know how to handle the drug that is booze and have it's encouraged to find a healthy balance. But in reality, there's really no healthy balance. I mean, there are people who I guess are normies and normal drinkers, but it's, you're just as easily able to slip into an unhealthy dynamic, you know?
Zewiditu: I absolutely agree. And that, I mean, just the normalization behind it, where one could say, like, if I have this during this time, or just this one drink and, and everyone's different because for me, one drink was silly. Like, no, like one drink is like the pregame, then it's the next drink. And then the third drink is where I'm like, okay, now we're at now. Now we're getting some way, you know, I found that so much of my experience, like going out and. Having quote, unquote fund was heavily reliant on how tipsy I was. So then I was like, do I even actually want to be here? Am I actually even enjoying these people? You [00:14:00] know, like, or is it just me? Like, where am I?
Cait: Yeah, I mean, I think that's such a good, I mean, it's just so, so good to say. I think everybody can kind of take something away from that where, especially after 20, 20, so much of what has been defined as fun. Uh, you know, zoom and cocktail or a drinking game, watching a show, or, you know, ordering a cocktail to your house from your favorite restaurant. I mean, it really is so central around booze. So reevaluating that and how much joy that brings you. And if you really want it to be a pillar of your joy, I mean, it's not a super stable one. I'll tell you that it cracks and it shakes and it breaks and it will crumble. It will.
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I love sober in the morning, your podcasts they're bite-sized, they're delicious. The music is great that you have. They're really nice to wake up to. I listened to your most recent one while doing my makeup this morning, and I just felt nice and revitalized. .
Zewiditu: Thank you.
Cait: When I reached out to you, I mentioned that I had listened to your episode, one of your season two, which was started from the bathroom now we're here. Right? [00:16:00] And you said something that really made me take pause and reflect a little bit, which was that we exist women. We as women, black women. Women of color exist in this world of sobriety. And I wanted to talk about that for a little bit, because it's something that I, as a white woman have noticed, but really don't see it in my, you know, day-to-day cause I'm obviously have a bias when I see things, but I really want to talk about that point, which is that. Women of color, black women have a voice in sobriety, but it's not seen as forefront. And you're changing that with your podcast, which I just love so much because sobriety is very diverse, but the way that we look at sobriety and diversity is a little like. Polarizing almost sometimes.
Zewiditu: Yeah, I absolutely. I agree. Um, [00:17:00] I would say, and I, and I completely understand where you're coming from, you know, operating from a level of bias based off of, you know, where you are, you know, in your demographic where you are possibly in your social circles or, you know, even your experiences, right. I don't think, you know, black people and even through my experience, it says as a black woman, which I always lead with first. Right. Because no matter, like, I don't even have to say like as a black woman, because as soon as you see me and I step outside, I'm already that's who I am. Right. But we don't re we don't get to operate in a space of bias because we it's already put on us, you know? And then it being a double minority it's automatically put on you that like, oh yeah, you're black in this space. I've always gone to quote unquote good schools, which are predominantly white schools. Right. So even in my college experience it would be like, okay, well, what does Zody think? And I'm like, I'm not doing this. Like I'm not the black thought today. Like I can't, [00:18:00] you know, but, but I don't, you don't really get to check out as, as a person of color and just be like, I don't want to do this because you just always have to show up, stand out, and, you know, I was gonna say like work twice as hard to get, you know, half as much. And so the reason why it's so important and why I lead with being a black woman in everything. And particularly when we're talking about the space of sobriety is because we are exceptionally strong, exceptionally bright, except exceptional in pretty much everything that we do, but when it, and I, and I posted this the other day, like being a black person in America is already sobering enough. So then adding that, okay. And I'm going to be sober with everything that we have to experience and everything that we have to navigate. We need to see one another. We need that level of visibility, right? It would be foolish for me to assume that like, I'm the only black person talking about sobriety in this world. Right. Because there's, uh, when I first became, then I was in recovery, I was actually, um, [00:19:00] navigating and looking for my tribe and I met a beautiful woman named Katie who has a platform called Sober Black Girls. And so there are a host of, of women out there who look like me, who I can connect with. But when we look and we speak from a major platform, right, and within media is heavily dominated by white women and I think it's important to just like show face and show up and be like, no, we are here specifically for young people to know, like, you know, my goal is to make sober, like sober is sexy. It is actually, you know, like you can be fun. You can be the life of the party. If you want to continue to be out and be around, you don't need a buffer. All you need is you. And if you don't feel comfortable to show up as your authentic, sober self in those spaces, you probably don't even need to be in those spaces. You find that they genuinely don't serve you if you have to. Because when I speak to people on sober in the morning, I would say. That the majority of my [00:20:00] audience thus far are people that actually drink, you know, or, or smoke or do whatever it is. And I want to open this space up. So that's, uh, to, to everyone, which is why I talk about redefining sobriety through conversations on mental health and wellness, because I find that if we have these conversations about what we have going on internally, you won't get that drink later. Or if you do, you're more cognizant about what's going on with you, right. I encouraged people to consider like, if I feel that I quote unquote, need this thing to be in this space, do I actually need to be in this space? And that's what I feel is most important. And as a, you know, a woman of color just saying I see you. I understand you. I know that, you know, there are so many expectations to do, to be, but prioritize yourself first, prioritize yourself and your, and your first mind. And our first mine is our sober mind and, and that's what I lead with. And, and that's what [00:21:00] I think is so important.
Cait: Lovely, lovely. Thank you so much for sharing that. I really appreciate your perspective, just so, so. So much, I value it. I love everything you just said. And I really, really, really love that. If you think you can't be in a space without booze or some kind of substance to make you more comfortable with. Maybe you shouldn't be in that space. Absolutely. God, that is a good place to start. I mean, it really is planting the seeds to get to sobriety. And if you just, if you're listening and you just open yourself up, if you're a little bit curious, start asking those small, small questions, observing your surroundings and those sobriety plants will be. Because it's beautiful and it's refreshing and it, and it being sober or a non-drinker however you want to phrase [00:22:00] it is a really healthy, lovely place to be. I want to. Ask you a final question. If you were sitting across from somebody or anybody who's listening, who is saying, okay, I want to try to be sober. Is there anything that you love to have in your toolkit?
Zewiditu: That's a great question. And it's a question that I do get asked often and like a different way. Like, what did you do when you first became sober? Like what did you start using? You know, I love mocktails. I love non-alcoholic drinks and things like that, but I know that I'm like four years in to the space and where I can go out and I can sit at a bar and I can oftentimes still a bartender, how to make a mocktail for me, you know? And I can have these drinks that are non-alcoholic or, you know, Double zero or basically just, I can now participate in this lifestyle with these drinks that are reminiscent to alcohol [00:23:00] without participating in alcohol. And I'm leading with that to say, like, don't be so quick to jump out there to get. The non-alcoholic drink or, you know, spirit or whatever the case may be, because sometimes it can be a trigger to kind of throw you in a space of relapse and, and recognize that, you know, a part of the recovery journey is sometimes relapsing and like that, you know, depending on who you are and where you are, that can be okay. Sometimes we, maybe we need those. To like fall back to remind ourselves how to get back in place. So I would say the first and number one thing that you need in your toolkit is patience, and to have patience, but, but to have basically aware of yourself and, and open to what is to come. Right. And so maybe that can look like having a journal that you check in with yourself, whether it's nightly or weekly. Or [00:24:00] recommending voice notes, because that was very helpful for me. So maybe if you don't, if you're not fond of journaling, just having like your voice notes and you can like have a stream of consciousness and talk about how you're feeling and as something you can reflect back to, or even using your, your actual phone app to record yourself and like creating video journals that don't have to be for social media, that can totally be for you. So I'd say that first thing is having patience with yourself and. Finding a form of using like a diary, like a personal journey diary, whether it's journaling, a voice memo of voice notes or a video journal to. To share your experience with yourself. And then the other thing, because there's so many things I would say that's like the number one, the number two, like you said, of course, is listening to sober in the morning. And the other thing, you know, I think that people often are always looking for their tribe, you know, someone or someone so that they can connect with. And if you're blessed to be in a city that offers [00:25:00] places like meetups and things like that, or even online meetups. I think that's amazing. But I think that taking this time to spend time with yourself, you know, and really focused on that journey with it is going to be so amazing because this experience may or may not be very isolating for you. And so you're going to want to get very comfortable with yourself and know that like you are taking these steps and you're taking this journey. For yourself, because I find that, you know, whenever people do things for other people, whether it's your kids, your husband, your wife, your, you know, whatever the case may be. If, if you're not doing it for you, you're not going to stay on the path. Yeah. And just know that you deserve to do it for yourself. You're worthy. Doesn't need to be exterior. It can be just for you.
Cait: You're worthy.
Zewiditu: Absolutely.
Cait: Thank you so much for this lovely conversation. I feel enlightened. I feel motivated.
Zewiditu: Thank you for having me today.
Cait: This episode was produced [00:26:00] by Sara Ashcraft . Music by honeydew and recorded at the wave. For more tips, tricks and tools subscribe to our mailing lists by heading to the theclearheadedpodcast.com and entering in your email. Talk to you next week.
