S2Ep24 || Layers of sobriety
Cait sits down with actress, comedian, and good friend Meg Johnson to talk about how her life has evolved since being sober.
CONTENT WARNING - Meg shares her sober journey that may be triggering for some as she talks about the difficult moments with an eating disorder and suicidal thoughts.
My guest today, and I have been friends through so much from drunk karaoke nights to sober late-night talks. We really have had a journey together. And I'm so excited for you to listen in on this conversation with Meg. She is an actress, comedian, and one of my good friends. Meg is also one of the first people that I reached out to when I got sober and has had her own journey with sobriety.
Meg shares her difficult experience with “spiritual whack-a-mole” as she battled through alcoholism, substance abuse, an eating disorder, and suicidal thoughts. But, it was Meg’s experience with a past-life regression therapist that she says changed her life and led her towards the path of sobriety. She dives deep into how the spiritual event made a major impact on her life and how she has refined her relationship with her higher power since then.
We talk about the shedding of layers that she went through in her recovery, the feeling of being uncomfortable in her own skin and with her own thoughts, and how her life has evolved since becoming sober. She also relays the many skills and tools she developed to help her navigate the harder parts of her sober journey.
listen now →
listener perk ✦
Want to join me for a better drink? Drinkfreespirits.com
use the code CLEARHEADED for 20% off your first purchase
Shop Tools + PRODUCTS MENTIONED
-
Ep 24 - Meg Johnson
[00:00:00] Meg Johnson: Your girl loves an altered state of consciousness because I feel or have felt in the past so uncomfortable in my own skin and with my own thoughts. And just like, so I guess to answer your question. I think the thing I've learned the most is for me, absolute sobriety is just paramount to my mental health and my wellbeing.
[00:00:27] Cait: Welcome to the clear-headed podcast. I'm Cait Madry your host. And I'm so happy. You're here. This is the podcast that drops in on people's moments of clarity surrounding their sobriety super LA of me. But I like to start every episode with a deep breath in. So if you're driving to work or you're on your way to run some errands, or maybe you're in bed, getting ready to wind down, let's just start with a deep breath in and out. Okay. Let’s get clearheaded.
[00:01:02] Cait: My guest today, and I have been friends through so much through drunk karaoke nights to sober late night talks. We really have had a journey together. And I'm so excited for you to listen in on this conversation with Meg. Meg is a actress comedian, and one of my good friends.
[00:01:28] Cait: She's also one of the first people that I reached out to when I got sober and has had her own journey with sobriety, what that looks like. And we talk about the shedding of layers that she went through in her recovery. I asked Meg the question I ask all guests, which is what was your moment of clarity?
[00:01:47] Cait: And like so many other people there wasn't just one.
[00:01:51] Meg Johnson: You know, it was years and years and years of trying to quit and not quitting. I mean, I remember so many moments of like waking up and like cold sweats from like a severe hangover symptoms and just trying to think back and remember like what the end of the night was like.
[00:02:13] Meg Johnson: And like, if I had done anything that I needed to like pick up my phone and start doing damage control about, or, you know, I just think that like, there were just so many, there were just so many mornings where I woke up thinking like, why, why do I keep up? Or why do I keep ending up where I am over and over and over again?
[00:02:36] Meg Johnson: Like, what is different about me than other people? Why can't I just like, have a good night drinking with my friends and like, let that be it. Yeah, and there were nights where I could wrangle the drinking and I'd wake up and it'd be like, oh, okay. No severe damage. But like that whole time, that's all I was thinking about, just like drink like a normal person.
[00:02:58] Cait: The, the balance of like trying to have a healthy relationship with something you're so not meant to be in a relationship with. I know for me it's it was really draining. I'm sure it was draining for you.
[00:03:10] Meg Johnson: Yeah, it was incredibly draining. Just like the count of like, okay, I'm at this party, I have a drink.
[00:03:17] Meg Johnson: I'm going to drink a sparkling water in between. And like, just like how much Ram that took in my brain.
[00:03:24] Cait: Did you know, it, while it was happening though? Because for me, I didn't even realize until I was out of it.
[00:03:29] Meg Johnson: I don't think, I, I don't think it had clicked that like other people didn't operate that way yet.
[00:03:36] Meg Johnson: You know what I mean? Like I knew it was taking up a lot of room in my brain. And I, and I could, I could sense a general anxiety, but as long as I've been on this planet, I've had a general sense of anxiety. So I, you know, I don't think realize that, my relationship with alcohol was such a contributing factor to that anxiety.
[00:04:00] Cait: Yeah. I think too, like. You know, for background, which I'm sure I'll cover in this intro, but we're friends, we've been friends. We were friends through our drinking days, found a deeper, more meaningful friendship in our sobriety. But when you say, like, I didn't realize that people around me, weren't thinking that, I kind of think that everybody around us was thinking that.
[00:04:21] Cait: I mean, don't you feel like the friend group that we were around at that time was…
[00:04:29] Meg Johnson: all hitting the hooch a little bit too hard?
[00:04:33] Cait: Hitting the hooch a little too hard. I mean, I mean, I only know you in that one segment of your life and your friendship.
[00:04:41] Meg Johnson: I mean, the immediate thought I just went back to, was going to karaoke with my friend, Hannah, who, you know, who like has a very normal relationship with alcohol.
[00:04:51] Meg Johnson: And she would like go out with me and at like 9 30, 10 after like a drink, if that, she'd be like, okay, I'm going home. And I’d be like, you crazy girl. You crazy.
[00:05:06] Meg Johnson: And she would just go home and then I would continue to get so drunk that like, I barely remember the ride home in the Lyft.
[00:05:13] Cait: Right, yeah. I know me too. So shout out to karaoke or not shout out, or whisper to karaoke. Maybe not a big throw it up, but there was a lot of throw up on my end, but…
[00:05:26] Meg Johnson: yeah. Oh my God, girl don't even start.
[00:05:29] Meg Johnson: I have so many horrible, like hangover, barf stories.
[00:05:36] Cait: Well, now that you're out of it and you don't have the hangover barf every morning. What have you learned the most about yourself and I say that knowing it's a heavy question. I mean, you consistently learn about yourself and your journey specifically has evolved so much.
[00:05:50] Meg Johnson: Yeah. I think just for me, There was a lot of substitution in the beginning of my, abstinence from drinking. Like I really started smoking weed. I mean, I smoked weed… I've smoked weed since I was like 15 years old and always in like mind numbing amounts. But I think that that in conjunction with alcohol was like, so, like state-altering that when I quit drinking alcohol, I was like, oh, I'm normal now.
[00:06:22] Meg Johnson: And like, I think that, you know, just like shedding the layers, like over time in regards to like my specific relationship with drugs and alcohol, it just like, state altering stuff in general, like your girl loves an altered state of consciousness because I feel or have felt in the past so uncomfortable in my own skin and with my own thoughts.
[00:06:48] Meg Johnson: And just like, so I guess to answer your question. I think the thing I've learned the most is for me, absolute sobriety is just paramount to my mental health and my wellbeing.
[00:07:04] Cait: I love that you just said it was like shedding of layers because you and I have very different experiences with alcohol. I was never into weed.
[00:07:13] Cait: Sarah, for instance, did like drugs and alcohol and it's kind of like you're in a room and how many layers do you have on? So you're like, it's hot. I want to get sober. I'm going to take this one coat off. And some of us have just that one coat. We have that feather down layer like I did where it's just alcohol and you take it off and that's all you're wearing.
[00:07:34] Cait: And there are other people out there who have so many, they have a sweater, they got a scarf. And that can take time to realize you still are hot and you need to shed another layer, no matter how thin of a coat you think it is, or that maybe you're going to be more vulnerable or showcase a part of your body that you don't or emotionally don't want to show.
[00:07:54] Cait: So I really love that because. I think it's relatable.
[00:07:59] Meg Johnson: Yeah. I've, I'm in circles of sobriety where they refer to it as spiritual whack-a-mole. It's like, you hit alcoholism and then like your intense relationship with weed kind of pops up and then you hit that down.
[00:08:14] Meg Johnson: And then for me, My eating disorder kind of like spiraled out of control. And then I knocked that down and then it was like, you know, it's just, it's a constant battle of, you know, I'm of the belief that alcoholism and addiction are disease of the mind. So you can remove the substances, but you still have the disease of the mind that you have to, kind of, deal with.
[00:08:37] Meg Johnson: And it doesn't ever go away, but, in sobriety I have developed so many skills and tools that kind of help navigate, you know, the harder parts of it because life doesn't stop happening.
[00:08:52] Cait: Oh, it totally doesn't. And you don't want it to, I mean, that's kind of the whole silver lining of being sober is that you get to enjoy the life that is happening around you.
[00:09:01] Meg Johnson: Yeah. I mean, towards the end of like, I call it my second rock bottom, my like, emotional rock bottom when I had to quit smoking weed, like, I really did want life to stop happening. Like I was really like, I was really, I don't know if like talking about suicide is, is too much for this podcast, but like that's where I was when I had to like really make the decision to like cut weed out of my life.
[00:09:30] Meg Johnson: I was just so unhappy. And just like actively trying to think of ways that I could like make it stop. So, it wasn't until I like made the decision to get fully sober that I started to really enjoy life again. Cause I was just so like,
[00:09:55] Cait: you were still hot in that room.
[00:09:59] Meg Johnson: Oh man. Yeah. I was still so hot in that room and just like the first thing that comes to mind is like the dog with like the fire all around it meme where it's like, this is fine. Well, it's like things got better for a while when I first like quit, drinking, you know what I mean? Like when I first stopped drinking. It was two years before I quit smoking weed and life did get better because there were no, like, I wasn't, weed is so innocuous in a lot of ways, you know what I mean?
[00:10:21] Meg Johnson: Which I think makes it more dangerous because you don't really notice you can't, you can't do any huge physical damage while high, you just kind of like do nothing. I guess. But with alcohol, the damage was clear. It was like really evident that I had to stop. And, and a lot of ways I owe my alcohol, alcohol sobriety to weed because I really just needed something to like, just mute the agony of my sobriety for a little bit.
[00:10:56] Meg Johnson: It was like sober light.
[00:10:57] Cait: Diet sober.
[00:10:58] Meg Johnson: Diet sober. But, you know, for awhile it was cool and I was fine, but after a while it just stopped working. And the way that I describe it is like, the window between trigger and full-blown like spiral was just closing in and narrowing on me.
[00:11:28] Meg Johnson: And, the things that triggered me. Just became more and more mundane, like the longer, I don't know why that is either. I don't have an answer for that because like…
[00:11:40] Cait: It’s okay not to.
[00:11:41] Meg Johnson: I just, like, things were like, I loved weed, loved it. I was like, there's nothing wrong with this miracle drug. But, yeah, after awhile I just became like,
[00:11:52] Meg Johnson: incapable of coping without it. And couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, social situations, both. I was both anxious with and without weed, it was just so strange.
[00:12:06] Cait: You were like in a lose, lose sitch.
[00:12:07] Meg Johnson: I was in a lose, lose sitch. I had like state dependency where like, I really didn't know how to operate without weed.
[00:12:16] Meg Johnson: Like I used it to write sketches. I used it to like calm my nerves before going to set. Yeah. At like 7:00 AM before I had to be on set at like eight. And I'd be like, it's okay. I'll just take a mini toke.
[00:12:31] Cait: Wow. That's interesting. I mean, I think that creativity can be so overwhelming and like this industry that we're in is so overwhelming and in success is fucking overwhelming and failure is overwhelming.
[00:12:43] Cait: So we're like in this world of just being completely overwhelmed all the time, no matter if it pans out or if we're rejected. So I, I get that. I mean, I feel like that's what alcohol was for me was like a break when you kind of hit your rock bottom and you had the realization of like, okay, now sober light is not working for me anymore either.
[00:13:07] Cait: What did you do? Did you journal, did you have a talk with yourself? Did you…
[00:13:13] Meg Johnson: It's something way more woo, woo than any of that. I like saw a. past life regression, like, therapist, I don't even know what her full title was, but, I was so desperate and I was also seeing like, a specialist at the time that my manager actually got… my manager, got me in contact with both of these people, because I was just like, I can't show up for this.
[00:13:40] Meg Johnson: This like acting thing. Like I am so unhappy. Shout out to my manager because he has such a supportive person during a time when I was, kind of useless, like as a client. But, I really did a lot. I, the thing that. For me, like I'm a very spirit spiritual person now. I didn't use to be, but like in sobriety of like really refined my relationship with my higher power.
[00:14:13] Meg Johnson: And I think that experience with like the past life regressionist, or I don't even know what to call her, but I think that was really helpful. And, also like a lot of synchronicities started to happen in my life that kind of brought me, like a lot of signs that like I needed to just like quit. They were like everywhere and like people who I had met early in my recovery from alcohol circling back to check in on me, like when I was having like full blown meltdowns, like how did they know?
[00:14:48] Meg Johnson: You know, just like guardian angels sent to me from my higher power to kind of, you know, show me that there was another way and there was a solution.
[00:14:57] Cait: Yeah. And you are open to it though. I mean, you say desperate, but I hear open.
[00:15:01] Meg Johnson: I was open to it because I definitely wasn't like I started when I first stopped drinking and was talking to somebody, in, in the program I was with, they're like, well, you know, you should really stop smoking weed.
[00:15:16] Meg Johnson: And I was like, bye. Not, not now. And you know, that same person like came back around and like, I think it was a year after the fact, and like, my life was really just like, kind of falling apart. Like, my dog had passed away. My car got stolen. Scott and I, our apartment was just like literally falling apart.
[00:15:41] Meg Johnson: Like it was just like, bam, bam, bam, bam. Yeah. And I didn't have any tools to navigate or like deal with any of that stuff. And I think just kinda to go back to what we were talking about in terms of like, life keeps happening, I just meant like life, issues and hurdles keep happening. Because my life today, while a lot fuller and a lot of great things are happening, like I have an amazing job and I just worked on, a movie and like all these things that felt really unattainable to me when I was an active addiction.
[00:16:22] Meg Johnson: Like I'm also dealing with things like, you know, my dad's really ill and, you know, just like personal things like that, that, I can kind of cope with in a very level way. That was not, I was not capable of before, you know? And I, you know, All of that just because of my sobriety.
[00:16:47] Cait: Yeah. I think it's because you're present, you know, like I know what you mean by life heaps, trucking along the good, the bad and the ugly.
[00:16:58] Cait: And what used to take me weeks to get through. I can get through in a couple of days now, what used to completely paralyze me with emotion and anxiety maybe holds me up for an hour or two. And I think it's because there is this flow that is allowed to happen in my mind, in my body, in my higher self on substances. Like make it sticky inside, you know?
[00:17:33] Meg Johnson: Yeah. It definitely makes things like temporarily okay because you like shut your brain off, but then when you are not high or not drunk anymore, it's like tenfold. Cause you're like, oh fuck. I put this off for so long. And now I have to like deal with it after it's kind of gained momentum or like, gotten bigger or whatever.
[00:17:57] Meg Johnson: Yeah, definitely. I feel like I just also have a lot more patience with myself and other people, you know, and a part of that is because I have like a morning routine. You know, part of my morning routine used to be just like getting up and throwing up and then like drinking whatever residual alcohol was left in the glass and then heading off to my waitressing job at a bakery. I hope they don’t listen to this. You know, like, just like setting yourself up for success instead of failure and getting out of your own way, what a concept.
[00:18:32] Cait: What a concept, because you deserve it. I deserve it. We deserve it. We deserve to give ourselves structure and not to like dive too into our family histories, but I don't know that either of us really had that growing up.
[00:18:48] Meg Johnson: No, I, I don't think I did have structure in that way.
[00:18:52] Meg Johnson: Not at all. And also just like, kind of, to touch on like what we're worth. It took a while for me to understand that I was worth all of that stuff. It took a lot of therapy. It took a lot of self reflecting and journaling because ultimately I had a lot of trauma from, you know, being a kid. And, I didn't think that I necessarily was worth all that stuff. So that's probably a huge reason why I stood in my own way for so long. It's cause, it’s easier than trying and failing and being like, oh, you're not, you know, cut out for this anyways.
[00:19:34] Cait: Do you ever still stand in your own way?
[00:19:36] Meg Johnson: Oh my God. All the time.
[00:19:37] Cait: How do you cope with it now?
[00:19:39] Meg Johnson: I think the turnaround is just a lot quicker.
[00:19:41] Meg Johnson: You know what I mean? Like recognizing it, you know, and routine and just like, I think just being really, really kind with myself when I feel certain things bubbling back up or when the whack-a-mole situation starts to get out of hand again. Yeah, definitely. Just patience and, and you can always try again tomorrow.
[00:20:05] Cait: Yeah. Giving yourself grace. It’s so important. Being patient. Well, wrapping up this delightful conversation. If somebody is listening, wants to build their toolkit further, what's something that you suggest that they put in their sober toolkit?
[00:20:23] Meg Johnson: I know, I shouldn't be stumped by this because you, you definitely told me this question was coming.
[00:20:28] Meg Johnson: But I think the thing that I benefited the most from in early sobriety was hearing the stories of other addicts and other alcoholics. And if not, people who decided to quit drinking because people do it for all different reasons. It's not always because they have a problem, but it's helpful to glean whether or not you have a problem, or if you just need to take a break. So yeah, community, I think is the best way to continue staying sober.
[00:21:03] Cait: Well, you're my community.
[00:21:04] Meg Johnson: That's true. You're my community.
[00:21:05] Cait: Thank you for being here.
[00:21:06] Meg Johnson: Thanks for having me. This was really beautiful and I'm very surprised I didn’t cry.
[00:21:08] Cait: You didn’t! Woohoo! Yay!
[00:21:18] Cait: Clearheaded is sponsored by free spirits pet to drink free spirits.com and use code clearheaded 20 for 20% off. Your first order, this episode was recorded at the wave podcasting studios and the music used was created by Honeydew. Special thanks to Sarah Ashcraft. For more tips, tricks and tools, head to our website, the clearheaded podcast.com.
